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This broke my fucking heart

This is why you don’t lie about having mental disorders. It is not a joke.

I’m crying

This broke my heart

this is real ocd, not the people in school getting annoyed when their desk is messy.

Sigh. I feel for her. She was a string girlfriend

I’m sobbing.


(Source: thiswolfheartstillbeats)

I asked my mother,
How it was to be in love
And she told me I would find out when I’m older,
And that answer wasn’t enough
I pouted in my car seat while she drove
She only had a smile on her face

I asked my mother,
What it was like to be older
And she told me it was the same as it is for me now,
I pouted and scribbled on checks at the bank
My mother had a smile on her face and made a deposit

I asked my mother,
Where babies came from
And she told me they came from parents,
I wasn’t happy with her answer
And I pouted asking again what makes a parent,
She said ‘the desire to create life’
But I had no understanding
So I colored out of the lines in my book
And my mother just smiled and talked to my grandmother on the phone

I asked my mother,
What she wanted to be when she grew up
And she told me,
“You never grow up, we are all just old kids”
And I didn’t understand her answer until later,
It was my first day out of a car seat

I asked my mother,
When I could start wearing makeup
And she told me
The day I’d need it,
And so I asked when I would
She said never
And I was finishing up elementary school
She was still smiling as she kissed me goodnight

I asked my mother,
Why love hurt so much when I endured my first heartbreak
She told me because it means something,
And I couldn’t stop crying and I left to my room
We didn’t kiss each other goodnight
And I was in my final year of middle school

I asked my mother,
If I would make friends in High school
And she told me I would if I allowed myself to
I didn’t understand,
And on the first day of school I put on makeup and curled my hair
She told me nothing
And she handed me my lunch

I asked my mother,
Why she was ruining my life
On the night I couldn’t hang out with my friends
She told me it was because she loved me,
And I told her she didn’t understand me and stomped up the stairs
She baked my favorite fish that night,
But I didn’t touch my plate
She didn’t smile

I asked my mother,
Why my relationship had ended
She told me it was because we weren’t meant to be
I yelled at her that we were and I cried again,
She held onto me tightly and kissed my cheeks
But I didn’t feel better

I asked my mother if I could drive her car,
And she said yes
But I dented her car up and she said nothing
But sent me to my room
I never saw her so angry

I asked my mother,
What it felt like to lose someone
On the day we lost my grandmother
Through tears she replied “everything”
And it was the first time I held my mother while she cried
I had to keep up a guard,
Though I cried too
My mother didn’t smile

I asked my mother,
What it felt like to get a divorce
When her and my father split up
And she said it was like a book had ended
But my mother loved to read,
So I knew she was very upset
She didn’t ‘read books’ for a while
She didn’t smile but made me cookies

I asked my mother,
which college I should go to
And she said whichever was closest to home
I ignored her and applied across the country,
Everywhere accepted me
And she smiled for the first time in years

I asked my mother,
What should I do in college
And she said I was an adult now so I decided
She helped unload my things and that night she flew home on a plane
And she cried while smiling

I asked my mother,
How she was after many months without talking
She seemed so excited,
But I was hungover and I fell asleep on the line
She hung up after three hours of listening to me sleep

I asked my mother,
To deposit more money
Since I was going out with friends
She immediately switched it in my account
It was her birthday that day and I never said a word
Or apologized

I asked my mother,
How she was after half a year without speaking
I dropped out of school and moved in with friends
She said things were good and when I was visiting home
I never answered her properly

I asked my mother,
When she’d pick me up from the airport
When I visited the next year
And she never showed up
Or returned my calls
She passed away in a car accident
It was the rainiest night of the year

At the funeral,
I cried to family about my mother
And they comforted me so
Most of them were older and gray,
And I never forgot my mothers last words
“When are you visiting again?”
I felt myself crumble

I asked the priest,
Why my mother had to die when I finally came back
He told me it was her time
And I was unsatisfied with that answer
So I just cried and bit my lip when they dropped her casket down

I asked my mother,
Why she wasn’t here
When I was alone at her grave
And she said nothing to me
Because she was gone
And I missed never understanding her answers

And many years later,
When I was expecting a daughter of my own
I asked my mother what I should name her
Though she couldn’t answer
But I told her I’d do my best to answer all of her questions
Even if I had no answers
And when I left the cemetery,
I turned around and smiled
Because I remember my mother smiling most

'Diary of a Regretful Daughter' (via coffeestainedlips)

Literally brought me to tears

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